Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
