I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
