He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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