you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
