I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
