I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
