Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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