I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
