It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
