When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
