So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
