I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Apparently you make a good broom.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
