She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
