Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
