hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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