I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
NoShamevember. You game?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
