If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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