The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
