On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
