mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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