better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Floor bacon is actually really good
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
