I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
