Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
