Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
