I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
