Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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