Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
