11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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