Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
