fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
