My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
