So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
