There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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