proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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