He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
