Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
