The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize