I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
a search helicopter?!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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