Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
