We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
