I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize