The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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