omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
