don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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