he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
