How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
