My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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