Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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