There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
