I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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