Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
