She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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