Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
