just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
