i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Randomize
