the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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