Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
