How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
