AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
