Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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