it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
